So the other weekend I realized something... You can get a very powerful depiction of someone's commitment to alcoholism by the way they shotgun a beer. I would say there are 5 different types of shotgunners, all five having very different levels of "One day my drinking will ruin my life" all the way to "what do you mean I don't want to shotgun the beer when it is coldest?" I won't say where I fall in this category, but my close friends already know.
1. Fully Committed to enrolling in AA at some point, and shotgunning beers in the parking lot before and after.
This guy... This is the guy that has shotgunning down to a science. They understand the cardinal rule of shotgunning - that shit shouldn't be done cold. Shotgunning a FRIGID beer is equivalent to shoving an ice pick down your throat, and no I don't mean a metal ice pick - I mean a pick that has been carved out of ice so that it creates excruciating pain and is incredibly cold. Yeah. It is that bad. I had a roommate once develop a week long sore throat from shotgunning too many cold beers during a day drinking tailgate, this is when the science developed for us. And yes... it was a very amusing doctors visit for him. Just think about this question as you're on an examination table "what exactly do you mean, shotgunning a beer?" Priceless.
But back to the basics, there is a simple solution to shotgunning beers that are too cold. Take out the number of beers that will be bravely shotgunned, turn on the oven - usually like 250-300 degrees is cool. Place these beers in that oven for a few moments monitoring the temperature of the beer as you go. "But John! the beers will explode, or catch on fire, or whatever other dumb thing I think will happen to them! That is dangerous!" No blog reader, they will not. I said oven, not microwave... but it is always funny to see stupid girls freak out when you put beers in their oven at a party, trust me. Once these beers are room temperature, it is time to make a hole in the bottom of the can. This committed alcoholic will create a perfect square hole using his favorite key on his keychain, all without spraying any beer on any innocent bystanders. This guy is the king. If king means drunken asshole who ruins weddings and 9 year old's birthday parties.
2. Severe alcoholic, but not fully committed yet.
This is the guy that is awful at cutting a shotgun hole, doesn't think about warming up the beer, but does understand why it shouldn't be cold when first warned. This guy can also shotgun the beer just as fast as guy 1, he just hasn't fully committed to shotgunning science, he is like a closet alcoholic. Or just an alcoholic... who will pass out in a closet. He won't be drinking 6 days a week like guy 1, but on the days that he does drink he will wake up in unfamiliar places under unfamiliar circumstances.
3. Casual Drinker. Probably wearing a sweater vest.
This is the guy that doesn't want to look like an ass hole in front of all the other bros. He probably has a really nice internship and attends sunday brunch with his ivy league graduate parents on the weekends. He is the guy who says "oh man that is a nice hole you cut there, think you could cut mine too?" he doesn't like to get his hands dirty, because he just had them manicured. He gets his shotgun holes cut like he gets his life handed to him by his parents. At least he is trying. He will shotgun slowly, but he will finish the whole beer. This guy is the one who usually disappears at some point in the night because that second shotgun upset the $27 avocado-egg omelette in his stomach that he had for brunch with his parents. He will go home and go to bed. Or something, who cares his sweater vest was annoying anyway.
4. The huge pussy.
This is the guy that is either gung-ho about shotgunning the beer, or refuses to do it at all. May seem odd that I lump them into the same category? Well they are the same guy, just two different instances.
Gung-ho instance - he will be like "HELL YEAH SHOTGUN" and then when he opens the beer he will just dump it all over his face, or give up 3 gulps in and be like "ahhh my stomach." Either way, everyone immediately hates him.
Refuses - no need to explain. Everyone immediately hates him.
5. Girls.
Every girl is a closet alcoholic, let's be honest. They are all 1 shotgun away from dancing naked on a table, throwing up in another girls hair, or crying about over some guy they text when they are lonely.
I'm just kidding ladies that isn't always true. Usually... but not always.
Girls always handle shotgunning the same way, they need their hole cut for them and they usually take 2-4 tries to finish the shotgun with a break in between.
Where they fall on the above chart depends on how many breaks they take. No breaks - fully committed level 1 alcoholic. 1 break - level 2 alcoholic. 2+ breaks level 3 alcoholic. If they even attempt a shotgun... this girl is an alcoholic. A princess doesn't shotgun a beer, she pinky outs a cosmopolitan (A princess wouldn't be held down by abbreviations such as cosmo). She also doesn't drink beer out of a can... mainly because she doesn't drink beer. Mainly because she sucks.
Shotgunning is an important stage in the life of a college drinker. Everyone remembers that first shotgun that ruined their life. We all went home crying, threw up to alleviate all that beer and air, and woke up trying to remember what compelled us to drink a beer sideways with a key punched hole in the first place?
Then the next weekend we did it again. And again. And again. And then college ends... And you shotgun again. and again anyway.
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