I swear I have heard this phrase from my girlfriend, friends, and myself (yes I talk myself through hangovers and small life crises like pizza consumption) a million times a week. "I only eat bad when I drink..." or "I only smoke pot when I drink...." Yeah well I only jump off 17 story buildings when I drink, so that makes it okay right? And I only drive when I drink... I'm a better driver. Here is a surprise guys... each alcoholic beverage is between 100-12407235927 calories, this is a fact. If you don't believe me go ask Snapple, they definitely have that shit under a cap somewhere.
And let's all be perfectly honest... when we get out of a Law School exam, hear our favorite song come on at the club, see a bro we haven't seen in like 3 days, whatever the occasion, I hear one word "SHOTS!" Although usually in a drunken stupor, we hear something more like "SHOTS SHOT SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS." And then everyone is crushing cherry bombs, jaeger bombs (for the ladies, real mean just drink jaeger), fireball shots (again for the ladies), skittles shots (for the ladies), dirty girl scouts (for the ladies), etc. Real men drink rail whiskey/tequila. These shots are fruity and delicious, but they are like 727 calories 'cus the bars make them with stuff like simple syrup, grenadine, and other liquid sweeteners. ADD SUGAR SO THEY DON'T TASTE THE ALCOHOL, and also develop love handles by the end of the night (which doesn't matter because the guy/girl won't be able to see you at the end of the night anyway).
So in our drunken rampage we manage to consume like 9,428 calories, 467 grams of sugar, and 765 carbs... That is a solid day right? I think girls are supposed to eat like 600 calories a day or something right? That shit won't add up. Then you are all "OMG I am so hungry bitch I could totally go for a pizza, like a whole fuckin' pizza omg I am so drunk." Eat that pizza. add another 1,000 calories and 324 grams of fat - yes people cheese is bad for you. I won't argue that is what Google is for. so now that you have consumed more calories in one night than an average Ethiopian has in 5 years, life is good right? Nope.
In doing this, you throw your entire metabolism track into a terrible swing, your body is saying things like "Mama Mia! (mario style of course), and wondering how quickly it will die if you continue this murderous path for the next 7-12 years.
Since it is impossible to go out and not drink a ton of calories though, let me give you a few pointers.
Drink wine > Beer > Liquor. The truth? Liquor has the most calories/sugar/carbs love handle destroyers per % of alcohol. Don't believe me? Go buy a mens/womens health for once and start reading up instead of just believing what your one skinny/muscular/bulimic friend tells you. Wine is the best for you calorie wise, Beer is second, and liquor is third.
Since it is impossible to go out without drinking liquor though. At least for me. Nah guys I don't have a problem yet, the only problem is that I can't ever get enough liquor. So take shots. Soda will ruin your life. It will give you gas, which is perfect for a midnight hookup as you are nuclear bombing their bathroom for 12 minutes before you venture into their room smelling like you just had sex with a homeless person. Juice will ruin your life too. Cranberry, Orange, Apple, whatever your heart desires is LOADED with sugar, so take on another 2332 grams of sugar for you 12 appletinis or screwdrivers that you just had. Or get something like a gin/tonic vodka/tonic or you could be crazy like this chick I met over the summer and get Vodka/water with like 22 limes. Don't suggest it though, that stuff tasted awful. Diet soda, that will bloat you even more and make what would have been late night drunk sex become late night moaning like two beached whales trying to inch their way to water.
Another tip, don't eat pizza. Yeah I just did the other night. Yes I hate myself for it. Fuck. My life is in shambles, and I know it. But don't make the same mistakes, and I do bust my ass monday-friday at the gym. Get a sandwich. A sub. Chipotle (if they were open until 2am, it would be proof that God does exist). Just don't get mayo, or ranch, or anything crazy like that. You're drunk, no matter what you eat this is what you'll say "Holy hell... this sub... just fuck.. I don't think I have ever had something taste so fucking good." And then you'll fall asleep with half of it in your mouth anyway and life will be happily ever after.
So cut the calories you can. Trust me you will thank me later. Also drink water, it helps or something.
No comments:
Post a Comment