But John... I only eat pizza when I'm drunk

I swear I have heard this phrase from my girlfriend, friends, and myself (yes I talk myself through hangovers and small life crises like pizza consumption) a million times a week. "I only eat bad when I drink..."  or "I only smoke pot when I drink...." Yeah well I only jump off 17 story buildings when I drink, so that makes it okay right? And I only drive when I drink... I'm a better driver. Here is a surprise guys... each alcoholic beverage is between 100-12407235927 calories, this is a fact. If you don't believe me go ask Snapple, they definitely have that shit under a cap somewhere.

And let's all be perfectly honest... when we get out of a Law School exam, hear our favorite song come on at the club, see a bro we haven't seen in like 3 days, whatever the occasion, I hear one word "SHOTS!" Although usually in a drunken stupor, we hear something more like "SHOTS SHOT SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS." And then everyone is crushing cherry bombs, jaeger bombs (for the ladies, real mean just drink jaeger), fireball shots (again for the ladies), skittles shots (for the ladies), dirty girl scouts (for the ladies), etc. Real men drink rail whiskey/tequila. These shots are fruity and delicious, but they are like 727 calories 'cus the bars make them with stuff like simple syrup, grenadine, and other liquid sweeteners. ADD SUGAR SO THEY DON'T TASTE THE ALCOHOL, and also develop love handles by the end of the night (which doesn't matter because the guy/girl won't be able to see you at the end of the night anyway).

So in our drunken rampage we manage to consume like 9,428 calories, 467 grams of sugar, and 765 carbs... That is a solid day right? I think girls are supposed to eat like 600 calories a day or something right? That shit won't add up. Then you are all "OMG I am so hungry bitch I could totally go for a pizza, like a whole fuckin' pizza omg I am so drunk." Eat that pizza. add another 1,000 calories and 324 grams of fat - yes people cheese is bad for you. I won't argue that is what Google is for. so now that you have consumed more calories in one night than an average Ethiopian has in 5 years, life is good right? Nope.

In doing this, you throw your entire metabolism track into a terrible swing, your body is saying things like "Mama Mia! (mario style of course), and wondering how quickly it will die if you continue this murderous path for the next 7-12 years.

Since it is impossible to go out and not drink a ton of calories though, let me give you a few pointers.

Drink wine > Beer > Liquor. The truth? Liquor has the most calories/sugar/carbs love handle destroyers per % of alcohol. Don't believe me? Go buy a mens/womens health for once and start reading up instead of just believing what your one skinny/muscular/bulimic friend tells you. Wine is the best for you calorie wise, Beer is second, and liquor is third.

Since it is impossible to go out without drinking liquor though. At least for me. Nah guys I don't have a problem yet, the only problem is that I can't ever get enough liquor. So take shots. Soda will ruin your life. It will give you gas, which is perfect for a midnight hookup as you are nuclear bombing their bathroom for 12 minutes before you venture into their room smelling like you just had sex with a homeless person. Juice will ruin your life too. Cranberry, Orange, Apple, whatever your heart desires is LOADED with sugar, so take on another 2332 grams of sugar for you 12 appletinis or screwdrivers that you just had. Or get something like a gin/tonic vodka/tonic or you could be crazy like this chick I met over the summer and get Vodka/water with like 22 limes. Don't suggest it though, that stuff tasted awful. Diet soda, that will bloat you even more and make what would have been late night drunk sex become late night moaning like two beached whales trying to inch their way to water.

Another tip, don't eat pizza. Yeah I just did the other night. Yes I hate myself for it. Fuck. My life is in shambles, and I know it. But don't make the same mistakes, and I do bust my ass monday-friday at the gym. Get a sandwich. A sub. Chipotle (if they were open until 2am, it would be proof that God does exist). Just don't get mayo, or ranch, or anything crazy like that. You're drunk, no matter what you eat this is what you'll say "Holy hell... this sub... just fuck.. I don't think I have ever had something taste so fucking good." And then you'll fall asleep with half of it in your mouth anyway and life will be happily ever after.

So cut the calories you can. Trust me you will thank me later. Also drink water, it helps or something.

Shotgun Science

So the other weekend I realized something... You can get a very powerful depiction of someone's commitment to alcoholism by the way they shotgun a beer. I would say there are 5 different types of shotgunners, all five having very different levels of "One day my drinking will ruin my life" all the way to "what do you mean I don't want to shotgun the beer when it is coldest?" I won't say where I fall in this category, but my close friends already know.

1. Fully Committed to enrolling in AA at some point, and shotgunning beers in the parking lot before and after.

This guy... This is the guy that has shotgunning down to a science. They understand the cardinal rule of shotgunning - that shit shouldn't be done cold. Shotgunning a FRIGID beer is equivalent to shoving an ice pick down your throat, and no I don't mean a metal ice pick - I mean a pick that has been carved out of ice so that it creates excruciating pain and is incredibly cold. Yeah. It is that bad. I had a roommate once develop a week long sore throat from shotgunning too many cold beers during a day drinking tailgate, this is when the science developed for us. And yes... it was a very amusing doctors visit for him. Just think about this question as you're on an examination table "what exactly do you mean, shotgunning a beer?" Priceless.

But back to the basics, there is a simple solution to shotgunning beers that are too cold. Take out the number of beers that will be bravely shotgunned, turn on the oven - usually like 250-300 degrees is cool. Place these beers in that oven for a few moments monitoring the temperature of the beer as you go. "But John! the beers will explode, or catch on fire, or whatever other dumb thing I think will happen to them! That is dangerous!" No blog reader, they will not. I said oven, not microwave... but it is always funny to see stupid girls freak out when you put beers in their oven at a party, trust me. Once these beers are room temperature, it is time to make a hole in the bottom of the can. This committed alcoholic will create a perfect square hole using his favorite key on his keychain, all without spraying any beer on any innocent bystanders. This guy is the king. If king means drunken asshole who ruins weddings and 9 year old's birthday parties.



2. Severe alcoholic, but not fully committed yet.

This is the guy that is awful at cutting a shotgun hole, doesn't think about warming up the beer, but does understand why it shouldn't be cold when first warned. This guy can also shotgun the beer just as fast as guy 1, he just hasn't fully committed to shotgunning science, he is like a closet alcoholic. Or just an alcoholic... who will pass out in a closet. He won't be drinking 6 days a week like guy 1, but on the days that he does drink he will wake up in unfamiliar places under unfamiliar circumstances.

3. Casual Drinker. Probably wearing a sweater vest.

This is the guy that doesn't want to look like an ass hole in front of all the other bros. He probably has a really nice internship and attends sunday brunch with his ivy league graduate parents on the weekends. He is the guy who says "oh man that is a nice hole you cut there, think you could cut mine too?" he doesn't like to get his hands dirty, because he just had them manicured. He gets his shotgun holes cut like he gets his life handed to him by his parents. At least he is trying. He will shotgun slowly, but he will finish the whole beer. This guy is the one who usually disappears at some point in the night because that second shotgun upset the $27 avocado-egg omelette in his stomach that he had for brunch with his parents. He will go home and go to bed. Or something, who cares his sweater vest was annoying anyway.

4. The huge pussy.

This is the guy that is either gung-ho about shotgunning the beer, or refuses to do it at all. May seem odd that I lump them into the same category? Well they are the same guy, just two different instances.

Gung-ho instance - he will be like "HELL YEAH SHOTGUN" and then when he opens the beer he will just dump it all over his face, or give up 3 gulps in and be like "ahhh my stomach." Either way, everyone immediately hates him.

Refuses - no need to explain. Everyone immediately hates him.

5. Girls.

Every girl is a closet alcoholic, let's be honest. They are all 1 shotgun away from dancing naked on a table, throwing up in another girls hair, or crying about over some guy they text when they are lonely.

I'm just kidding ladies that isn't always true. Usually... but not always.

Girls always handle shotgunning the same way, they need their hole cut for them and they usually take 2-4 tries to finish the shotgun with a break in between.

Where they fall on the above chart depends on how many breaks they take. No breaks - fully committed level 1 alcoholic. 1 break - level 2 alcoholic. 2+ breaks level 3 alcoholic. If they even attempt a shotgun... this girl is an alcoholic. A princess doesn't shotgun a beer, she pinky outs a cosmopolitan (A princess wouldn't be held down by abbreviations such as cosmo). She also doesn't drink beer out of a can... mainly because she doesn't drink beer. Mainly because she sucks.

Shotgunning is an important stage in the life of a college drinker. Everyone remembers that first shotgun that ruined their life. We all went home crying, threw up to alleviate all that beer and air, and woke up trying to remember what compelled us to drink a beer sideways with a key punched hole in the first place?

Then the next weekend we did it again. And again. And again. And then college ends... And you shotgun again. and again anyway.

First Post

So.... I think I'm going to try this whole blog posting thing again. I want to try and post at least like once a week... or if I post more than once a week I plan on having at least one funny post a week. Probably make my own un-motivational posters again too, or just post pictures of my abs, or me drunkenly passed out on a floor somewhere, not sure, but I will have pictures/videos and they should make you laugh.

Then when football starts again I will do fantasy football advice, so you can blame me for starting Percy Harvin over Titus Young when Percy quits football again with a "one week" ankle injury that somehow turned into a triple sprain with like 17 broken bones or something. Fuck you Percy.

Also, being on this big health kick I'm on I will probably TRY to post my daily workouts and post what I am eating today and how many calories there are in these foods. And then I will tell you how you shouldn't be eating donuts, or chugging gallons of McDonalds sweet tea (no matter how "oh so glorious" that liquid golden sugar juice is, begotten from the hand of God himself as he bestowed it upon us). I'll also post my calorie count for my drinks on the weekend, so that people can realize how awful alcohol is for you... and I can hate myself more than I already do for ruining my workouts as I shotgun beers every time the Ravens score a touchdown in the Super Bowl - who would've thought they would score three in like 7 minutes worth of game time?

Yeah it happened, and I made my GF do them too... suck it Niners. I let girls get head starts that isn't me backing out. Okay maybe I wanted to back out, but I didn't. seriously... I didn't.

Law School is also a big part of my life. It sucks. Might complain about that too.

And if all else fails, and you don't think I'm funny, hate my sports talk, and think I am full of shit with my health advice... I will post pictures of my puppy - "Peppa." You can't go wrong with puppy pictures, cuz she's a 16 week old beagle and while she is a complete pain in my ass, everyone else will love to google over her because she is pretty cute.